If there’s one true reality for most families living with food allergies, it’s this: some people in your circle will understand the challenges and risks associated with food allergies, and some people won’t.
You will have people in your life that want to be educated about food allergies. They want to be able to invite you to a gathering with the assurance that the food laid out was made with your family’s specific dietary needs in mind. They want to know how to recognize a reaction and how to respond. They want to be part of the team.
Others in your life, however, won’t. They may even question whether you’re overreacting. They may roll their eyes or suggest just pulling the cheese off a pizza for your milk allergic kid. Who falls into each camp will vary. Grandparents might be MVP of allergy awareness for your family, while your friend with allergies has a very different experience with theirs. Your siblings may be all in, or not. Your best support network may be your neighbor or your best friend.
The question isn’t whether you’ll encounter champions and detractors. The question is how do you handle encounters with either (or both!) camp(s) to ensure your family can be part of extended family and community activities safely?
Be Prepared
Let’s just cut right to the chase on this one; even the most well-intentioned host may make a mistake. Even that family member that threw themselves deep into reading all the things they can find about food allergies may miss something. They don’t live this life every minute of every day – you do, and even you may make the occasional mistake. Which is to say, even if your village is stellar and supportive, you should be prepared.
Read labels. Ask questions. Bring an extra snack just in case. Have the epinephrine on hand and in reach. Your squad may be the dream team for allergy friendly spaces, but part of that means being okay with your questions and your decision to skip some things or adapt others to a safer alternative.
Know Before You Go
Allergy preparedness for gatherings starts when you RSVP. Ask questions ahead of time. Explain to your host why you’re asking. Assure them that you’re looking forward to the gathering. You’re just looking to assess what dishes might be safe for your allergic child and which items you might want to bring along an alternative for. Even better, offer to bring a dish along to share. Make it allergy-friendly so your allergic family members are assured to have one thing in common with the rest of the guest list.
Remember When
Let’s be honest, in the days before someone in your household was diagnosed with food allergies, you didn’t know all the things you know now. You didn’t understand cross-contamination. You didn’t realize that steaming shrimp could trigger an allergic response in a shellfish-allergic person. You didn’t know that a smear of peanut butter on the arm could trigger localized hives and itching. You didn’t know that sunblock could contain allergens, or that traces of a drink that contained an allergen could linger on your lips and trigger a reaction when you kiss the forehead of your allergic niece.
You may have considered yourself aware and willing to keep allergic folks in your sphere safe, but you didn’t really get it until you had to. The people you’re encountering are in the same camp. Some of them are going to take longer to adapt and be better than others.
Be Patient
Yes, being aware of food allergies and how to manage them is a life-or-death matter. When we encounter folks that don’t understand that, whether that’s because they haven’t had the opportunity to learn or they are choosing to remain ignorant, how we respond matters. Reacting is not the same as responding.
Seeing your child at risk for a severe reaction is scary and it can evoke fear and anger. It can make us lash out or respond from a place of emotion. Our frustration may show up in our tone of voice or our word choice. And while it might be warranted to feel the way we do, reacting from that space can shut down meaningful conversation and put others on the defensive.
People who feel defensive aren’t helpful people. When we respond, however, our tone must be more moderate. Our word choice should be less confrontational. We must invite understanding and cooperation. We can manage our emotions and use facts to make a point.
Know When to Say No
We can do all the right things and some folks still won’t get it. We can educate. We can remain patient. We may respond and not react. We might have sent articles from reputable sources. We might share stories of our experience. And it still might not make an impact for some folks.
If your college roommate finds your desire to bring a safe stash of food as an affront to her cooking, you can skip her gathering. If your aunt isn’t convinced allergies are real and consistently tries to sneak your toddler foods she shouldn’t have to prove her point, you can turn down invites to family gatherings with food and that aunt. It’s okay to disappoint people that don’t (or won’t) understand your needs.
